General ramblings

Long Live the Queen

This piece of writing, by the British comedian, John Cleese, (Edit: Refer to the first comment) aptly sums up the ‘problems’ of the United States of America:

Subject: A timely political proclamation from British comedian, John Cleese

To: The citizens of the United States of America:

In light of your failure to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).Your new prime minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. (A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed).

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

The letter ‘U’ will be reinstated in words such as’favour’ and ‘neighbour.’ Likewise, you will learn to spell ‘doughnut’ without skipping half the letters, and the suffix -ize will be replaced by the suffix -ise.

Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ‘like’ and ‘you know’ is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.

There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter ‘u’ and the elimination of -ize. You will relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen.

July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you’re not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you’re not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you’re not grown up enough to handle a gun. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts,and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) — roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.

You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting Nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of British Commonwealth — see what it did for them.

Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one’s ears removed with a cheese grater.

You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). Don’t try Rugby –the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us.

Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty’s Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; strawberries in season.

God save the Queen!

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36 thoughts on “Long Live the Queen

  1. πŸ˜†
    πŸ˜†
    πŸ˜†
    too good.
    “Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one’s ears removed with a cheese grater” —> best one. hahaha.

  2. @ Amit:

    Yes, this is a very good piece. πŸ™‚ I enjoyed everything about this one and so decided to put it up. The sad thing is that I seem to have imbibed almost all of these happenings in my life now (Except for the baseball/soccer part). The last paragraph about tea and biscuits was also very good. The Britishers and their tea…phew!

    @Balu

    I read that post! Definitely very good πŸ™‚ Never gave the term ‘eve tease’ so much of thought, even though I’m a girl. Thanks for sharing it.

  3. “Don’t try Rugby –the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us.”

    Only in the world cup. The Six Nations story is altogether different and we are only interested in thrashing France, at Stade de France preferably. πŸ™‚

  4. Wow! Great piece… πŸ˜€

    Adding my 5 cents… πŸ˜›

    – CNN will be banned! Everyone will watch only BBC!

    – US times will start at London times (GMT) so that 9am will be at night! LOL

    – The Statue of Liberty will be taken down… to be replaced by the Big Ben! πŸ˜›

    – All dot-coms will be become .co.uk

    LOLZ πŸ˜›

  5. @Shefaly

    Thanks for your comment. Further enlightment for people like me who only watch cricket and tennis. πŸ™‚

    @Balu

    I’m not sure, but I don’t think it’s an Indian English term, like he suggests. I did like the way he wrote about it though.

    @Carrot

    Hats off to a great mini list. πŸ™‚ There is another one:

    White House will be demolished and a replica of the Buckingham Palace will be erected in its place.

  6. So you are turning into one of them??? 😦
    Thats scary. And how is your name pronounced there???
    Ruuuhaaaiiii???? πŸ˜†
    My friends tell me horrifying stories of their names being distorted beyond recognition. Not only outside India, The place where I am staying, my name has been distorted to “Ameeth Charma” once. 😦

  7. @ Ruhi: Rugby is a great game to watch if you can hold your nerve. It is a physical game and the guys all look like well-fed Neanderthals although in real life they are all well-spoken, nice guys. Football is the opposite πŸ˜‰

    @ Amit: In my experience, one attempt at correcting how your name is pronounced goes a long way outside India.

    In India, no matter what people will call a Mahendra ‘Mahinder’, and a ‘Meenakshi’ will cringe each time they call her ‘Meenakchhi’. Of course these are typical North Indian manglings but I think we need no ‘foreign aid’ to destroy our names’ pronunciations, we do so well in India!

  8. Lol, funneh. I remember we used to do the British thing a lot in chatrooms at one time. At around 4:00 PM, whenever someone would enter the room, we would go – Hey xxx, Tea and Crumpets? And then everybody would laugh their hearts out. And all this in a Tennis room. Things used to be so random and fun in those days.

    And I guess the people who were voting in the Oscars read this post before voting. No American won any award in the actors category. There were two Britishers, one French and one I dunno..I’ve forgotten.

  9. @ Bharat Iyer:

    And also officially re-instate the use of the word ‘bollocks’. On a different note, I used the word ‘spectacles’ here and my American friend started laughing at me. She didn’t know what I was talking about. I had to tell her – “glasses”. She couldn’t believe the fact that ‘spectacles’ is a real word. 😐

    @Amit

    How’s my name pronounced? Well not very bad, actually πŸ™‚ I’m used to it now. So I don’t really care. But Ruhi’s not my official name. Probably you don’t know my real name. I’m not sure. And where are you staying? How come people pronounce your last name as “chhhaarmmaaa” ? That’s crazy! Haha. Once, in school, one of my friends used to call me “Saraswati” and believe me, my name doesn’t even closely resemble “Saraswati”.

    @Shefaly

    I doubt that American TV will give me much opportunity to watch anything apart from Baseball (which I vehemently refuse to understand). I’m tired of all the ball games that are aired here. More tired of people around me who cannot talk about anything else except about ball games.

    (P.S- Regarding names, one of my school friends used to call me Saraswati! 😐 So, yes, Indians are equally capable of spoiling names. )

  10. @Ish

    Hey xxx, Tea and Crumpets?

    Haha! πŸ™‚ That’s funny. The Queen also has tea parties every year (which costs the tax payers millions of pounds, of course)., where she meets people who’ve achieved some sort of recognition.

    No American won any award in the actors category. There were two Britishers, one French and one I dunno..I’ve forgotten.

    Oh really? I read the news. Didn’t watch it though. Oscars don’t interest me that much, even though I’m a movie fanatic. Most of the movies that win awards are over-rated. At least, that’s what I’ve observed in the past couple of years.

  11. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. (A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed).

    I liked that one πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚

  12. @Ruhi: Yeah, none of the Americans won an Oscar in the acting categories. The movie No Country for Old Men won 4 oscars. Micheal Clayton won just one Oscar. I didn’t watch much of the Oscars either..just for half an hour or so and then my parents told me to go study. I got that news from one of the Indian news channels. You can always trust them to ignore the main point and come to things as if which country won.

    @Dinsan: I hate Scoble too. He’s over-rated. He was okay earlier, but has gone pretty annoying now.

  13. @ ish:

    Yes, No Country for Old Men swept the Oscars! Maybe I should watch the movie then? Finally? πŸ˜› And the Indian News Channels have made a business out of focusing on the wrong things. Nothing can be done about that!

  14. @Ruhi : Im in Chennai. Of all my friends here, my name is the simplest. Still its distorted like anything. If nothing else, it ends up being “Amith”. Whenever we book some seat in a restaurant, my name is given as my friends think that giving their name will be such a pain in the neck because it will be misspelled and then they won’t believe that we booked it. 😦
    I know that your real name is not Ruhi, not that you mentioned it. It slipped my mind. πŸ™‚
    —> And regarding ur post, how about replacing “Oh shit” with “Oh Bullocks”. πŸ™‚

    @Shefali : I guess you are right. I never knew my name was so difficult untill I moved out of Delhi. Now im used to all kinds of variations. “Aim-it”, “Amith”, “Ameeeeth”, “Am-it”. HHHruummppffff.

  15. @Ruhi: Yeah, maybe you should watch it. I’ve already put Juno, Ratatouille, Michael Clayton and No Country for Old Men on download. I guess the downloads should be over before my English exam so I can watch one of them in between. πŸ˜›

    Right now they are pretty slow. You know any good website from where I can download movies?

  16. @Ish : use mininova.org or torrentbox.com. Make sure that the movie you are downloading have enough seeds otherwise your download will be very slow and will take ages. And read the comments before choosing a torrent. People generally put comments about picture and sound quality. Always check them before downloading. I am sounding like an expert. πŸ˜‰

  17. @ Amit:

    Oh yeah! Unfortunately, they apply the same distortion to my name too and I find it to be quite annoying, because I take great pains in spelling and pronouncing everyone’s name properly and I really don’t like it when people add “thi” to my name either.

    Re: Bollocks- of course! πŸ™‚ I’ve already added it to my list.

    @Ish

    That’s great! You have an entire list ready πŸ™‚ Ive seen Ratatouille and it’s very good. Haven’t seen the others yet. I hardly watch/download movies from online websites, but http://ovguide.com is a very good place for searching all kinds of movies/TV shows. It’s like a mega search engine.

    @Amit and Ish

    Do you people know how I can download some Finance books? I’m in urgent need of some professional books, but I don’t know how to use bittorrent. 😦

  18. That’s where I come in Miss.

    Torrents are pretty easy to use. You go to a torrent search engine like torrentz, torrentspy, isohunt or piratebay.

    Search for whatever you want. A list of results will appear with the name, size and no. of peers for the torrent. You want the torrent with the maximum number of peers. (Seeders and leechers are together called peers and in most cases you want more seeders than leechers)

    Download the torrent file.They’re pretty small files, hardly ever over 100kb in size.

    Install a torrent application. I’d suggest BitComet or Azureus, BitTorrent is kinda crappy. Make sure none of the ports it needs are blocked and that any Anti-virus softwares or Firewalls you may be running do not hamper it’s functioning.

    Then run the torrent file using the torrent application. Select the location where you want it saved and the software will do the rest.

    On a different note, this post reminded me of The Sex Pistols on two counts.

    The title reminded me of God Save the Queen and the word bollocks reminds me of Nevermind The Bollocks Here Come The Sex Pistols!

  19. I guess Bharat has summed it up pretty well. Download Bitcomet first. They check the torrents for books. Click on it, it will automatically start with Bitcomet. And don’t worry, try it once and you will understand it. Not a big deal. πŸ™‚
    I am not sure where you can find books….but try in mininova.org. They have a books section I guess.

  20. @Ruhi (Warez’s my speciality)

    I don’t like torrents bcoz you never find enough seeds & my location & my connection makes it hard to download anything.
    The only thing i’ve ever managed to download from torrents was the HP7 scans… πŸ˜›

    I usually download all my movies via Rapidshare… from warez forums like warez-bb.org & projectw.org
    There’s loads of ebooks there as well. ebookee.com is also quite good. πŸ™‚

  21. @ carrotmadman6
    For ebooks esnips.com is the best and yes for GOOD torrents visit torrentz.com (torrent search engine)… i used to go there in good old pennyless days =D

  22. and yes i prefer utorrent over Azureus (az eats up RAM like crazy).. u torrent is neat and simple..
    PS: There is an firefox addon for downloading torrents (all pears DON’T use it.. not flexible at all)
    and Opera browser comes with a torrent download mechanism in place =)

  23. I used to be a member at Demonoid. That was probably the best torrent database ever. All other databses and search engines just used their torrents.

    I use Opera and trust me the inbuilt BitTorrent application is utter crap. Azureus uses Java and is not a good option for slower systems. I recently switched from BitComet to Flashget because of the resource hogging nature of the new version of BitComet. So if Azureus gives you grief you can try Flashget before BitComet. I don’t like uTorrent for some reason.

  24. @Amit: Yeah, I’ve been using uTorrent and those websites only but I guess I’m not that good at identifying torrents right now. They give me like a dismal 0.1 to 2.0 KB/s kind of speeds. I guess I should re-search for the movies because if they go at this rate, I’ll be seeing them when I’m done with college as well lol.

    @Ruhi: Yea, everyone’s been telling me Ratatouille is awesome. So I decided I should finally watch it. And guess what, I had yet another dinner table argument with my parents yesterday. I told them your view on the elephant taming waala scene and they seem to think that yeah, elephants and animals do actually get tamed as soon as you sit them. When I asked my mum where she had seen that, she said Hindi movies and I was like duh. I thought you could manage a better answer than that. Actually my cousin brother has seen it and since he’s an architect and earns a lotta money and since he liked the movie, they presume that it will be good. They said that to me openly yesterday..You know..he’s way more creative than you are so we can trust his opinion more than yours. What could I have said after such a line? 😐

  25. Say ‘Architects are people who are neither man enough to be engineers nor gay enough to be interior designers.’

    Architecture is a blend of engineering and pseudo-creativity that is almost disgusting to me now.

  26. @Bharat

    Must say that your comment was quite descriptive and the best torrent guide available online πŸ™‚ I’ve tried to read up on this so many times on the internet and have never been able to understand. I tried to search for some torrents, but unfortunately, couldn’t find anything 😦

    The title reminded me of God Save the Queen and the word bollocks reminds me of Nevermind The Bollocks Here Come The Sex Pistols!

    And that is what I meant! πŸ˜€ Thanks for catching it.

    @Amit

    Haven’t yet tried mininova.org; so I think I will give that a try. πŸ™‚ Thanks a lot for your help. I’m pretty uneducated as far as torrent files go.

    @Carrot

    Precisely my friend! πŸ™‚ Even I use lots of warez websites like projectw.org and bbwarez. I love rapidshare links because all I need to do is reset my internet to get a new IP and I can keep downloading. Unfortunately, I couldn’t find this book in either of these sites. Do you have any idea where else I could search? Thanks a lot πŸ™‚

    @Balu

    Okay this is information over load for me 😐 *Bleep bleep* My system has stopped working. Hehe. I have never used Opera actually.

    From all your comments, I gather that I should go for BitComet, which seems to be the popular choice and since so many of you use it, I guess I’ll find more peers also? (Is that the right word? Duh.). And Flashget next, if I get tired of Bitcomet’s resource hogging. Everyone, thank you for your help! Should have asked this question earlier. I didn’t know that so many of you are torrent experts.

    @Ish

    Wow! 😦 That’s really sad. I don’t know why parents side with older cousins. Even my parents used to do this when I was young. I guess, it’s better if you don’t discuss movies with them πŸ˜€ People have different opinions. I almost had a fight with my mom and sis over RDB, when I said that it’s a crap movie and that Aamir looks too old to play a college yuppie. So don’t worry…even I’ve walked down the same line.

  27. @Bharat

    OMG! πŸ˜€ Haha…way too funny. I need to note that in my diary and keep it.

    @Ish

    Try that line the next time your parents say anything πŸ˜‰

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