General ramblings

A Man Kills His Wife on Grounds of Adultery and Cheating

I read stuff like this all the time, but I don’t know why this one’s stuck to my mind since the past 36 hours or so. Some newspapers have built articles based on Orkut scraps left behind by people, known and unknown. Since when has Orkut become an authentic source of information? I remember reading similar articles when Minal Panchal was shot in the Virginia Tech massacre.

Perhaps this is good reason to activate those privacy settings in your Orkut scrapbook- even if you happen to die, people won’t hound your scrapbook. Google, of course, won’t delete your account, unless it has been notified to do so. I don’t know the exact procedure, but I’m guessing that it is very elaborate.

During times like these, I feel happy that I don’t use Orkut and that I’m not much of a Facebook user either.

Coming back to the killing case, does anything ever justify taking someone else’s life? For most of us, the answer would be no. It is only when the answer is a Yes that we get to read about it in the media. If you think that everyone is condemning this act, then think again. You will be surprised to know that there are tons of people out there (mostly men) who support Amit Budhiraja’s killing act. I was reading the scraps left in their Orkut profiles and going by that, people have given various justifiable reasons-

“..If the story is true about the affair, I don’t condemn your decision.. I feel sorry for the pain you must have gone through, insecure or not, there’s no man in this world who is going to have the woman he truly loves even in the thoughts of another person…” – If every man would kill a woman because of adultery and justice is meted out in this manner, then why bother having a judiciary?

“…You saved more than 3 people by killing just 2, you saved your parents, yourself and your relatives from the dowry harrassment!! You set the right example for others.”- Which brings me to the question of Dowry Harassment. The Dowry Laws in India have been deemed inadequate by lots of people, who feel that a woman can always file a false dowry harassment case against her husband and put the husband and her in-laws behind bars. Is it so simple? Of course not. So why exactly are we over-simplifying this issue?

I’m not denying the fact that there are women out there who misuse the law and undermine the genuineness of some other dowry cases. But an eye for an eye will make the entire world blind.

There are others out there who don’t know the couple personally, yet are hasty in drawing conclusions based on shaky premises. For example- Some are accusing Rinku of adultery and of cheating. Do we know her side of story? All that’s come to light is a 6 page suicide note written by Amit. And there are some more who have taken their hatred one step further and have abused Rinku’s office colleague, Arvind Kejariwal, of having an illicit affair with a married woman and for being responsible for the deaths. Why blame him? Why blame anyone?

I came across this quote sometime back, that tries to explain the psychology behind cheating-

“I’ve thought a lot about the psychology of cheating and reckon it flows largely from one thing – you don’t value yourself as a person: if you did, you’d end a relationship that was not fulfilling because, knowing how valuable you are, you’d be sure to find someone else.”

Why not just keep quiet, take a note of the matter at hand and move on? You don’t need to physically end someone’s life. This can also be achieved through mental torture…something like what V.S Naipaul confesses to have done. Isn’t he a murderer then? Why not put him behind bars?

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44 thoughts on “A Man Kills His Wife on Grounds of Adultery and Cheating

  1. I dont know why people get addicted to orkut. May be there are reasons for you to be an addict, I am not sure, but how can you take orkut scraps as authentic source of information ?

    well, we should admit that occasionally we see people shouting shouting happily, looking at their ( yahoo ) inbox, coz they got a mail saying they won a UK lottery worth billions.

    So, there are many people who are new to this, or those who do not spend enough time to understand how to use the net and social networking safely and in a more healthy.

    Yes, exactly! I don’t follow this kind of journalism one bit. Individuals can look at their inboxes and shout and make a fool of themselves, I’m fine with that. But turning them into even bigger fools through reckless journalism is really sad. We do need to use the privacy features and always be ready for the unknown. Like I said, I don’t want people to hound my scrapbook in case I die. ;) – Ruhi

  2. Ruhi:

    I recall another e-conversation recently where you asked the blogger why he had copied and pasted excerpts from reports without attribution. I think you are seeing real-life effects of plagiarism which of course we have discussed much.

    Also rumours and news appear now to be merging. Guy saw it coming (you know of Trumors, right?). This is a dangerous trend. I think the blogosphere does a lot to contribute to this trend. Ill-informed or under-informed commentary abounds. Now that even the NSF has referencing guidelines for blogs, I would not be surprised if blogs start being used as some kind of authoritative sources. In the mess, original thought will be lost or it will be so rare that it will be highly prized.

    Further on FB etc, I do not know the reasons why most ‘corporate’ people use them; for me and for some other e-enabled freelancers, it is our equivalent of the “water cooler”. We make one or two moves on Scrabulous, we see friends’ notes or photos, and mostly we stay in touch with our ‘loose ties’ of the kind we can not yet invite to our LinkedIn network. We also read unrelated gunk to clear our heads and sometimes we put it on Tumblr. :-)

    Thanks.

    Shefaly, I’ve come across quite a number of bloggers who plagiarise and copy stuff off the internet without even thinking twice. So…it’s not restricted only to schools and research papers. :) It disturbs me a lot, I don’t know why. People shouldn’t take credit for someone else’s work. It’s very unethical. If I see the blogger doing the same thing again, then I stop visiting his blog. I think I should write a post on this.

    Re: Yes, I do know about Truemors. In fact, I’ve interacted with one of his writers…Evolutionlondon (Popurls thread…rings a bell?). I think original has already been lost. People merely absorb and reflect what they see elsewhere in the media. How many of us have the guts to shout down or raise a voice against an act, which the others perceive to be totally “normal”? I’ve tried doing that a couple of times, and have received very unflattering responses (even from educated bloggers, who are supposedly the epitome of “humanity and justice”.)

    Re: FB, corporate people use them to update their status messages to reflect how “happening” and “in the groove” they are ;) I have two such people in my Friend list and I plan to remove them ASAP. Showing off just for the sake of it never impresses me. I use FB just to keep in touch with friends and browse through albums and play “unchallenging” silly quizzes. :-) I prefer to keep it this way. And yes…we always have Tumblr. :-)

  3. lallopallo says:

    Very tragic incident indeed. My heart goes out to this innocent girl whose life was lost in this absurdity of human mind. It just shows there are so many psychotic people around us under the garb of highly educated professionals.

    It is quite sad. Nothing at all justified this senseless killing. What is even more annoying is that there are people out there who think that Amit didn’t have any other option left. People can be so heartless. Just shows that education has nothing to do with your basic animal instincts. – Ruhi

  4. i believe one shouldn’t be overindulgent on such sites
    and personal info should be personal
    face book is far worse sometimes as it actively tracks its users

    Actually, it seems that more and more people are airing their personal information online. Blogging, tumblelogging and social networking are just some of the ways. Everything has a good and a bad side. It is up to us to strike a balance. About FB being “far worse”, I can understand where that is coming from. They were storing information regarding their users. But just consider Orkut and the parent company Google. Given any opportunity, they love to collect your personal information for “analytical” purposes. They opt you in by default and it is up to you to disable it. Isn’t that evil? :) – Ruhi

  5. Orkut has become quite unsavoury. Thank God I deleted my account there, which I had created on impulse. But overall, I am not surprised by the comments. You will be surprised by some of the comments I get on my women posts. Quite a few people believe that women are inferior creatures without any right to their own life.
    I have no idea whether the girl was unfaithful, but if she was, good for her. If her husband had it in him to kill her, for all you know he must have been beating her and abusing her in many other ways too.

    Nita, Orkut has introduced a lot of privacy features recently. But I think I can do without another social networking site for now. I’m sure you get horrible comments in your posts that are women related. In fact, the real side of people often emerge during these discussions, because internet is like a “safety net”- You can air your views without bothering about someone else’s feelings, to quite an extent. It’s easier for people to act in this manner, when they know that they won’t have to face the other party.

    And I totally agree with you regarding the abuse part. How do we know what went on between the couple? Obviously the man won’t write about his misdeeds. Who will? All of us love to act innocent and pious. Even I want to believe that I do nothing wrong. -Ruhi

  6. Wow…another one of those well settled, mentally imbalanced, egoistic and highly insecure guy’s story.
    The wife might have started the affair on an impulse, without any reason whatsoever, or she might be suffering in the hands of her husband. But did any of the reasons gave the guy the right to kill her? He must have heard of a Divorce, I guess???

    And Orkut has a lot of security features now. I wonder when people are going to use them.
    Sometimes I think that in the times we are living in, its better to be single…. :)

    I’ve seen such crazy guys in large numbers, believe me :) Maybe not someone who would be willing to kill, but people are worse than they appear to be. He says (acc. to his note) that he couldn’t go to the Court or anything because the wife would have slapped him with a Dowry case. This probably exposes some of the loop holes in the Indian Judiciary System. Of course, there are clauses and rules that can be manipulated. But I believe that this is the case in almost all the countries and all the laws of the world. It’s nothing peculiar to India. So, why kill someone just because of the fear of facing some sort of a litigation? Now I know why people say that men are weaker than women. :) – Ruhi

  7. fibinse says:

    Ruhi,Indian judiciary is defunct like our education system which hardly educates than intimidates the students with an elaborate tree of examinations.There were ofcourse better ways by which Amit could have dealt with it.But if one cant have faith in his wife,would it be possible to put once faith in the judicial system?

    I don’t see how having/not having faith in your wife has anything to do with the judiciary. This way, I don’t have faith in many people. But then again, I do have faith in many others. :) Does this mean that I stop trusting the judiciary? How are they mutually exclusive? Probably that’s some food for thought. – Ruhi

  8. Using Orkut as a source of information would be a rather dumb thing to do. I mean, even Wikipedia isn’t exactly authentic, how can you expect Orkut to be anything? It’s a social networking website goddamnit but seems like it’s being used for everything other than that. Being used to give tips about murders, being used in break up’s, being used to call people to murder them. I wonder what’s next.

    I had watched Metro the very day this incident happened. So it didn’t come in as much of a shock because Metro pretty much was about these things. People are so busy in the Metro’s that there is no time for relationships. Therefore, affairs and casual sex is inevitable I think. Who knows the guy who killed himself was having an affair too? I mean, you can never know. And therefore commenting on somebody’s life without knowing the facts is very wrong. But with the kind of freedom the internet offers, I don’t think there’s much chance that this would stop.

    Aren’t the news channels themselves propagating it? They themselves have polls like, “Do you think Deepika should go around with Yuvraj?” SMS Y if you think Yes and N if you think No. Who are common people to judge if they should go around or not? It’s their life isn’t it? And then they regularly show comments posted by people on their website which are very very lame most of the time. But does anyone bother? No. Is anything gonna change? I don’t think so. Are people gonna remember this incident a month from now and is it somehow gonna change anything? I don’t think so.

    You raised a very good point! Trusting Wikipedia for everything (even though they have an excellent team of editors/moderators) is also not a done thing for research. So how exactly can we write articles based on testimonials and scraps on Orkut? I don’t think casual sex/illicit relationships are the norm in metros only. You might be surprised to know that people in small towns/from small towns engage in it a frequently as people from large cities. Let me give you an example. I had a friend in college, who was from a small town in MP. She was one of the first girls in the batch to have not one, but two boyfriends- One in her home town and one in Pune. Yes, she was two timing. And thanks for telling me about those polls. I had no idea about that! And the Deepika Yuvraj poll is a bit too much. They need to supply 24*7 news. What else can you expect? It’s either quantity or quality. You’ll hardly find both of them going hand in hand. And I’m sure people wont remember about this incident a couple of weeks from now. Judging by the number of new articles, I can already see that the newspapers and websites have moved on to the next scandal. :)- Ruhi

  9. I am not commenting on this one.. I live in Bangalore and I work in a tabloid need I say more.. thers been a over dose of this case..
    I call it tragic, disastrous! May be anyone planning to commit suicide and kill their wife should lock their scrapbook in the future.

    By the way even I went through his profile.. his description of perfect match is something like: Only in after life! (chilling in a way)

    Yes, I read about that too. My first impression was that he is quite cynical! How this case might affect the business of online matrimonial sites is something that I would like to find out. Apparently, the couple met through Shaadi.com. Do you feel like sharing something that is out of the ordinary regarding this case? I’m asking you this quesion because you work for a newspaper. – Ruhi

  10. Coming back to the killing case, is it correct to talk about private events in dead peoples lives, without knowing what really happened and what were the circumstances ?
    well ur post to an extent / and some comments are also indulging in the same act as the raging debate on their orkut pages .
    I think peoples lives should remain private and people have no business to get moral or gossip.

    I don’t find it appropriate to talk about other people’s lives without knowing what exactly is happening/happened. But do people really stick to the facts? If that were the case, then half of the fights/misunderstandings would be over already. Indians, especially, love poking their noses in other people’s affairs. Anything having some garam masala supplies free fodder during tea time.And of course, the biggest gossip mongers refuse to admit that they love gossiping. – Ruhi

  11. @ Balu
    Something extraordinary? Nothing much.. parents refuse to comment (understandably).. Rinku’s parents tell they knew abt the poor state of relationships, amit’s parents state ignorance… Now police says the SMS and scraps in no way indicate Rinku had an affair with Arvind! He could have simply been a friend… I don’t think there were any dowry issues like the scraps suggest..

    So SMS’s are not conclusive eh? And I thought that in this tech world, people would pay more attention to such tech innovations. – Ruhi

  12. wow that was a lot or replying.

    I know you generally don’t indulge in such stuff and are 100% correct about tea time gossip, but the very fact that u posted those comments meant that you were fanning the flames to an extent because you unlike me, are a famous blogger.
    to stick to the facts one must know them
    and we are not investigators , even the police whose record in most investigations is not sterling and have been hauled up for shoddy investigation by courts

    Not commenting on this case because i dont knw its merits,
    all i have to add is that some women can be very vicious too, no wonder people are on the streets for gender equal laws which are not biased against men in india and it is just being aired on news channels.

  13. @Ruhi : If that guy gave a reason like “he couldn’t go to the Court or anything because the wife would have slapped him with a Dowry case”, then all he needs is a good psychiatrist. The guy is mentally imbalanced. If they are getting a divorce with mutual consent, then where does a dowry case comes from??

    Exactly! Only people who need a counselor can talk/imagine Dowry cases. Some far flung strategy, which I fail to understand, unfortunately. :P – Ruhi

  14. Fact : Girl dies in car accident.
    Fact : Boy dies in bike accident.

    National newspaper : Boy, girl dies in accident.
    Regional newspaper : Boy and girl Die in accident.
    Tabloid : Boy and girl who are lovers die together.
    TV : What were they doing together?

    —– :-|

    Haha! :) Pretty accurate description. Balu, you know where to find your next reporter now ;) – Ruhi

  15. legalfighter says:

    Whatever people might say, true or false. One thing is for sure, taking someone’s life is not justifiable, that way all murders are explainable, do we forgive them , no? Similarly in Amit’s case, going for an extra marital affair is not correct on Rinku’s path, yet she did not deserved to be killed in this gruesome manner. Amit certainly had options, just because he did not / could not envisage them, his act of murder stands justified? Sorry, I beg to disagree.
    Coming to his fears of a false dowry case, yes it is understandable to be very dreary to imagine a bleak future fighting a false case with a biased, and worn out system, but then also it does not make party to Amit to kill his wife.

    Thanks for your comment. I agree with you entirely- dying and taking someone else’s life is the easiest way out. If everyone were to deal with his/her problems in this way, then we wouldn’t need the Institutions that have been established for these purposes. – Ruhi

  16. @ Prax:

    I’m quite amused by your comment. How can you equate my comments on my own post, where I’m vehemently against gossiping and uninformed opinions to a gossip column? Also, the “famous blogger” bit is quite unimpressive. I don’t know if you’re being sarcastic here. I hope not.

    I have read the Mumbai Mirror and Mid Day articles- both are classic cases of cheap journalism.

  17. ruhi, i wasnt being sarcastic and u are indeed a famous blogger with a great technorati rating

    i agree on mid day and mirror , but by posting u have also fanned a few more flames unintentionally.

  18. Ankush says:

    A lot has been written in Indian newspapers, some of which, too disgusting and painful to comprehend. I will start my discussion with sharing the facts of Rinkus life written by her close friend from Bangalore (Being anonymous was this individuals choice and I respect it, I cannot however thank this individual enough for being there for Rinku in her time of need).

    Also to all reading this please ask yourself this question IS PERCEIVED INFEDILITY ANY JUSTIFICATION FOR MURDER. FOR THAT MATTER DOES ANYTHING JUSTIFY MURDER. We gave our Daughter/ Sister to this individual to build a life with and take care of, we believed in his integrity, his promise to be by her side at all times. If we had any inclination of his demonic mind we could have rather had her be by our side and not married in the first place.

    I can’t believe me and dad took her hand and handed it to this monster. And also stop this stupidity of saying we would have gone after the Dowry allegation, LET ME BE VERY CLEAR ON THIS we would not have got our daughter/ sister married to a family asking dowry. That’s insulting in today’s day an age. Trust me if some one was to ask our family for dowry we would KICK BUTT, please don’t insult us, let alone give our daughter to such a family.

    Also I cant believe that Amit’s Sister (Nidhi) is stating that she had no idea of these issues when RINKU CALLED HER UP COUPLE OF WEEKS ago asking for help. Anyways lets start with this first, and if I see this going in the way of being insulting or I receive stupid comments, I guess its the last you are hearing from me and the Family. I do also want to point out that we plan to do something social about women who are living a married life similar to that of Rinku and suffering. So lets start with this, and please be polite in your questions as this is my Dear Beloved Sister you will be talking about, getting nasty with someone is an easy trait, being polite is tough, so tread the road of being humble and polite with your questions. The letter begins:

    XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

    Rinku as I knew her

    I met Rinku around June last year. We started meeting up on a regular basis and soon became very close friends. Meeting each other on a more or less daily basis we soon started confiding everything about our lives in each other.

    She had already started to have problems in her marriage with Amit by then. Rinku was beautiful, confident, an out and out extrovert and doing excellently in her career. She was a warm, vivacious and ever optimistic person, very caring and affectionate by nature. Amit was an introvert, bordering on being chauvinistic and egoistical by nature. They never had major fights but had minor disagreements on a regular basis, mostly sparked by their completely contrasting personalities. Rinku being a strong independent woman had her viewpoint about things which irked him because he probably was hoping for a wife who while being great arm candy when he socialized would be more submissive at home and accept his decisions on house, car and other decisions of everyday life etc. without questioning him or giving her opinion on it.

    It was one day when she had taken him with her to her official party that they ended up disagreeing on something and he left her stranded at the party late in the night and went off in their car, refusing to take her home with him. It was at this time that she was crying and wondering what to do next that her colleague came forward and offered to drop her home. In her state of distress she confided in him about her marital problems and the fact that all was not well with her marriage. Since that day he became her friend and confidant in office, who was there to give her a shoulder to cry on when things went wrong which was happening on a more or less regular basis. Having come to Bangalore after her marriage, she had no close friends in the city who she could confide in and she needed to speak to someone to clear her mind and decide how to take things forward. Till her last day, he remained that friend and confidant. There NEVER was a question of him being anything else. The rapport they shared was one of strong friendship and sympathy for her plight. His parents were any case looking out for a suitable match for him and he was supposed to get married by July this year. She would talk to him about her troubles and he in turn would advise her and also tell her all about the prospective marriage candidates he was being shown and ask her opinion on them, whether they sounded promising and should he go ahead and say yes to any. If that fight had not taken place in front of her colleague, she would never have started confiding in him in the first place.

    On Amit’s birthday, Rinku planned flowers, cake and gifts at midnight and took him to out to dinner the next day. Ten minutes before midnight on her birthday he got into an argument with her about her dressing style. He criticized her wardrobe very rudely and then refused to apologise or make up with her when she started crying. They went o bed fighting and he did not plan anything for her the next morning either. After her work in the evening, she begged him to forget the fight and join her for dinner at a restaurant. He came in a very aloof manner and fought with her again while leaving the restaurant.

    Rinku always believed in talking things out in case of an argument and moving on from there whereas Amit would just stop talking for several days in a row. This made her very unhappy. She would always be the first person to go ahead and make up with him after a fight even when she wasn’t at fault as she believed that with just two people living in a house, it was extremely unpleasant to live together day after day without talking.

    During one such fight, Amit got a phone call. It was from some friend he had not heard from in sometime. He started talking to him ignoring Rinku who was in the middle of a heated discussion with him. When she asked him to at least resolve matters with her first without callously moving on to other things he got upset that his friend might have overheard and came forward and slapped her across her face. He NEVER apologized for that act either then or later.

    During their numerous fights, NEVER did he bring up his suspicions of an extramarital affair at any point of time. Being basically of a suspicious and possessive nature, he sometimes used to check Rinku’s messages behind her back. She had come to realize this and had told him that if any point he wanted to know who she was communicating with, he just had to ask her. She requested him to not go behind her back but see her cell if he needed to in front of her. She wanted to be treated with the same trust and space she gave him.

    Similarly, one day she mentioned how Amit was aware of all her investments, bank accounts etc. but had never told her about his. He found Rinku inquisitive when she asked such questions but all Rinku wanted was an open and honest marriage based on communication and trust.

    In December last year they went to Mumbai to visit Rinku’s parents. Though they had planned this trip several months in advance, Amit sulked about going as he wanted to go to Delhi to his parents (which they were doing in January anyways). While there, he walked out from the room rudely once when Rinku’s mother was talking to him, slamming the door behind him just because he was in a bad mood. He also made last minute plans to meet his friends there without telling Rinku who he was meeting and how long he would be out, even when he knew that she had made plans for the two of them with her parents and relatives for that same time. One of Rinku’s biggest grievances with him was that he did not give her parents and family the same kind of respect and understanding that he wanted her to show his parents and this was always a point of conflict between them. Two days after returning to Bangalore, he suddenly stopped talking to her altogether though they hadn’t fought recently. After five days of silence with her pleading with him everyday during this time to tell her what was wrong, he said that he was not sure and he had to figure out some things first. He never gave his reasons even later when things went back to normal gradually and she was left wondering about his sudden spurts of silence.

    Another point of conflict was that he did not give importance to her career and expected her to move with him out of Bangalore at the drop of a hat if he changed jobs; without even consulting her first about it. She was doing very well in her job and expected his support as far as her career went as she was sharing all household and other expenses with him including those for the new flat they had bought and furnished together.

    Early February she decided to see a marriage counselor as a last resort to save her marriage as she had become completely drained from their daily fights about minor everyday things always followed by days of silence from his side. She was hoping that at least in front of the counselor he would open up enough to tell her his issues with her so they could talk things out.

    I know for a fact that at the marriage counselor’s, different issues mentioned above were brought forth by him but there was not even a passing mention of him suspecting an extramarital affair. If it was preying on his mind to the point that he murdered her for it, how is it that he did not feel the need to even mention it once in front of the counselor? They visited the counselor on a Saturday evening. They were then asked to come back the next weekend and in the meantime advised to go out for lunches, dinners, movies etc. where they could just hang out and have fun without discussing any of their differences.
    Saturday he didn’t speak to her, neither on Sunday even though she suggested several trips outside. Sunday night he invited her to the bedroom and when she refused on grounds of the fact that if there was no emotional bond between them then she couldn’t resort to physical intimacy, he got extremely upset and asked for a divorce. By then she had become completely disillusioned as she felt that her requirement in his life was not for companionship but for cooking and giving him company in bed and thus readily agreed.

    The next day she went to the Gurudwara after work and silently cried there for everything that had gone wrong. When she went home that night, he told her that he had behaved impulsively the previous night and asked her to reconsider the divorce. She wanted to save the marriage if possible and agreed. She had by then told her parents about her marital problems and decided to go for a few days to them to personally let them know that she was planning to work on it as she knew how worried they would be about her. During the 5 days she was there, Amit neither called nor messaged though he knew that she had gone through problems at the airport with her visa etc. She had a difficult time trying to get in touch with him and he finally responded to her calls. They spoke only twice during her time there.

    She came back to Bangalore with the intention of working on her marriage but though he had promised to be more communicative and make an effort from his side too, within few weeks she realized that they were back to their daily arguments and there wasn’t much change in his attitude. She carried on nevertheless till about 2 weeks before her death when she finally realized that the best thing for them both would be to move on instead of compromising on their happiness on a daily basis. She told him that it would be best to separate and he agreed. Amit told her that he was looking at job options overseas and would probably move abroad in a few months time. It was then that she requested him to move out of their present house to their Sarjapur flat as it would be closer to his workplace. She wanted to continue living there as being fairly new to the city and having to stay alone thereon she wanted to be in a locality she had become familiar with and also as she knew she could go to the landlord in times of trouble as she was on very good terms with his family and they were extremely helpful people.

    One of the things she mentioned 3 days before her death was ‘After all when you have lived with someone for one and a half years and that too someone you have loved, there is a bond that forms that can’t go just because of disagreements. I know if I have decided to get out, I should do it soon but I’ve been dragging it and am still confused about my decision as I can’t make myself hate him. I still care about him…” Till he decided to move out of that house, she also continued staying with him as she felt that with both of them working, they could discuss how to take the divorce forward only when they met in the evenings. At the same time, she said that since she had to cook dinner for herself anyways, she could also take care of his food at least as long as they were still living together as it would be inconvenient for him to eat out everyday.

    There was NEVER any question of an affair and she trusted him blindly and so continued living with him even after they had decided to separate. He took advantage of this blind trust and made her pay with her life for something she didn’t ever do. Amit not only cold bloodedly killed her but also maligned her even in death!!! As one of her closest friends, I want to make it clear to everyone that Rinku cared about Amit till the last day. He was the ONLY man she loved. Being an independent woman of the 21st century, she decided to opt out of a bad marriage but ONLY because they were not getting along together… NOT FOR ANY OTHER REASON!!!!

    ***

  19. @ Ankush:

    Thanks for your comment Ankush. I feel very sad reading what you’ve got to say. Whatever happened was very unfortunate. She’s in everyone’s thoughts.

    Kindest regards, Ruhi

  20. Thank you Ankush for sharing.
    This makes me feel more than ever that marrying people through internet marriage bureaus is the wrong way to marry. One need to know the temperament of a person. The real person comes out in times of stress and you need to be around that person for sometime and internet time should not be counted. It is how you behave towards a person you feel angry with which reveals the real you. As you said it is easy to be insulting and use bad words, but very difficult to summon up the fine qualities one has has and write a polite comment or behave in a decent manner. Some people are incapable of it. Some have a veneer which cracks in times of stress or when something does not go their way.
    I was sure that Amit was not treating Rinku properly, because a man does not just get up one fine day and kill his wife. And it is a shame that his family is supporting him.
    As for those stupid comments about dowry, don’t pay any attention to them. There is no doubt that the people who wrote those comments have been accused of dowry harassment either themselves or have their family members or friends suffer it, and therefore see everything with coloured eyes.

  21. anonymous says:

    Dear Ankush, I have been following this case since the tragedy has happened. It somehow strikes a sensitive cord somewhere with me. So, I read and re-read the letter that you have posted which has been sent by one of Rinku’s friends. I greatly appreciate it and it throws enough light into what has really happened. I empathize with your family and friends. NOTHING EVER JUSTIFIES A MURDER – AN AFFAIR OR NOT. Especially in this case when they agreed to part their ways amicably. I also follow postings on other sites and feel there are few contradictions on the facts stated in this letter and what has been said earlier. As Rinku has been sharing her day to day experience with her friends, Amit expressed this to no one. So, we will never get to know how he felt about this whole thing. A guy like Amit who is so successful in life, to end his life the way he did there has to be some missing link that we have no clue about. Just imagine if he had been your brother or family how you would perceive the case. By all means this is Amit’s fault for doing such a heinous crime, but what triggered him to take such a step is a big question. Even when he contacted the counseller on friday after getting this alleged conversation – he had then no plans to kill her or himself.
    When Rinku tells her friends that she went to Muscat to discuss about divorce, why did she expect Amit to call her to find out how is everything. WHy is she complaining that he talked to her only twice in those 5 days. how many times a husband should call his wife knowing that she has gone to discuss divorce? This is little strange for me to understand.
    Also in another instance Rinku mentioned that they were in the middle of some arguement and he gets a phone call from someone he did not hear for a long time and ignores her and goes to talk to his friend. Just think what you would do in that particular instance. We all fight at home but in front of strangers we show a pleasant smily face and continue fighting after they are gone. I think that is exactly what Amit did and why Rinku had to go and interrupt him asking to complete the fight? Of course Amit should not have slapped her…

    Again in this letter it is stated that Rinku helped AMit furnishing the flat they bought together. And in some other message list its stated that Rinku’s mother accused AMit of ‘not showing Rinku the apartment he had built’. If he did not show her the apartment how was she furnishing it together with Amit?
    These are some of the things bothering my mind. May be it does to others as well. SO, I feel equally sad that no body will ever come to know AMit’s side of story. Why they had frequent fights. It can’t be always his fault…

  22. Nita- Sorry, I missed this comment. You are correct about the internet and the marriage websites. It’s just not the same! Spending time with each other and knowing each other in real world matters a lot. When two people decide to get married because they know each other through common friends, then it’s quite safe. We know that we can ask other people about the other person’s behavior. But when you marry someone whom you found online, how many common friends do you have? No one! Whom do you turn to when you have a doubt? Nobody! It’s a very risky affair.

    Similarly, I don’t understand how people meet online and then continue their relationships online- I’m talking about the romantic kind here. And of course it’s not the same! People say that online relationships are as real as offline relationships. Well, they are not. The risk factor gets doubled. Plus, it’s easier to break someone’s heart online.

    Anonymous- Please don’t draw any conclusions here. This space is not for you or me to judge what happened between them. You can only trust the media so much. So it’s better not to draw parallels between different, equally unauthentic sources. Thanks.

  23. @ Ruhi:

    “When two people decide to get married because they know each other through common friends, then it’s quite safe.”

    Discussing only the beginnings of a relationship tends to ignore one basic thing about humans, including those in a relationship – people grow and change with time and experience.

    They may do so along different trajectories, at different rates and in different ways, and in the process, may grow apart in their relationship.

    How they deal with this process of growth and change is usually determined by how committed they are to the commitment itself, or as a good friend of mine (American) recently put it – “Divorce is not on the table”.

    And I think there is nothing ‘safe’ about life. Marriage is a calculated gamble, like much else. Mainly because of the changes that both people will experience in life. Think an evolving ‘game’, involving some repeat moves and some new moves, rather than a 2X2 that is usually used to illustrate basic principles of game theory! The moves depend on whether the game is cooperative or adversarial. Nobody, including friends one possibly shares, can guarantee eternal happiness and longevity. That is something the couple has to work on, once they make the commitment.

    Shefaly, that line was w.r.t to finding marriage partners online v. offline. I think meeting someone offline is much safer that way. Of course, nothing is safe in this day and age. Working on your relationship is not always easy. Like you said, people change. It’s funny that the institution of marriage finds it necessary to tie two human beings together, when we all know that because of the changing times and circumstances, we don’t really stay the same. Hopefully, the couple will work for and towards each other instead of working against each other. When the latter happens, divorce should be on the table. :) Like a dish ready to be served.- Ruhi

  24. miss d says:

    anonymous(published on apr 12) – I completely agree with every word you say. Actually when the incident happened I didn’t give it a thought as these things have become quiet common.But recently while surfing the net I came to know about the different aspects of the tragedy, it did strike a “sensitive cord somewhere with me” too, as you said. I tried to get every news possible to go to the very root of the problems that ensued between Amit and Rinku. I read and re-read Ankush’s writing and the letter written by Rinku’s “closest friend” (is it Arvind himself?) that make us to think in some different way.

    I agree that murder CANNOT be supported in any way. Amit’s fear of his life getting ruined in false dowry case is understandable, but still he should have been brave enough to stand and fight for his justice if ever such things happened. By killing his wife and committing, he could not save his family from the disgrace they are facing for his act.

    But as you said, nobody will ever come to know his side of his story. In his suicide note, he just tried to justify his killing and suicide but never we will know the detailed reasons for his anger and disturbances. Even if one can kill another person, but it is not easy to commit suicide. Only when someone has reached at the extreme level of frustration, emotional bluntness and anguish can kill his or her own life.

    So, what made Amit to reach at such a stage? Did Rinku really had a lover or was it Amit’s paranoid mentality that lead him to think like that? We will NOT know. According to police, the sms did not reveal much, but the laptop where Amit has recorded the conversation is said to have rendered corrupt. At least, the article in mumbai mirror said so. So, we will never knew what actually transpired between them in their last moments. However, AMit’s decision CANNOT be supported.

    What is clear from everyone’s statement that they had fights regularly. Now here lies the root of the problem – lack of adjustment and understanding. I know that I am not in a position to draw conclusions and judge them, but isn’t it clear enough that there has to be some lack of understanding and adjustment that lead to regular fights?

    That’s where I want to draw the attention. Everyone is talking about Rinku’s alleged affair and Amit’s madness, but I think ( many people perhaps think so) that the root of their problem was in the daily bickering and fights ensued between them. Rinku’s relation with another man(if she really had any) or Amit’s extreme step are only the result of the frustration, anger, malice, that both have developed over the year.

    If we look in our surroundings, couples are becoming more uncompromising and demanding day by day. Stress of work, hectic life, big targets – all this things are making people so self centered that they are not willing even to understand other person’s point of view, forget about compromise. Everyone should take a lesson from the incident and think of being more understanding of his/her partner and be more committed in making a relationship successful so that the little arguements don’t give rise to unfathomed hatred which can ruin many lives.

    We should stop defaming Rinku or criticizing Amit as they are not anymore now. Let them rest in peace.

  25. sanchita says:

    For anyone who know Arvind knows how he is. Please dont fall for the curtain of him looking for prospective brides. He has done the same thing time and again. Some people got out and some like Rinku got stuck. I hate to say but I do believe they had an affair.

  26. JD says:

    GOD BLESS THEM BOTH …. hope they are in peace now … it pains deaply to think of them …. I am sorry for the loss of the families… may godgive them strenght to carry on…

  27. Ankush says:

    People/ Miss D

    Give it a rest, your comments. The letter I had posted stating Rinkus facts was from a female and not a male friend (not Arvind fro sure). If you read the articles surrounding the issue you will be able to ascertain who this person is, it needs a bit of intuition. Miss D, I find your statements distasteful. Since you seem to be in cahoots with comments published by Anonymous on April 12th, I want to enclose my comments that I posted as a response to this jerks questions (he posted it on varous sites, I had the time to respond to this jerks comments on only sachinti). I know this is not gonna help much, as one cannot change any ones perception on issues, but I be dammed if Rinku does not have the last word on these issues through me. MISS D there was NO THREAT OF DOWRY, NO THREAT OF MONEY, NO THREAT OF ANYTHING. DO YOU WANNA KNOW THE REAL REASON FOR AMITS BEHAVIOUR? CAUSE HE WAS A FREAKN MALE CHAUVANIST PIGGGGGGGGGG. DO YAAAA HEAR ME.? DOES IT NOT MAKE SENSE TO YOU AFTER READING COUNTLESS RESPONSES ON THIS ISSUE? What a gooddamn looser, killed his wife on intuition of affair, on intuition of threat of dowry. And to SAY HE DID NOT STATE HIS SIDE OF THE STORY. HE LEFT A GODDAMN SUICIDE NOTE, I WANNNA LAY MY HANDS ON THAT DOG AND KICK HIS ASS> PIECE OF SHIT/ FREAKIN PIG> . MISS D please dont try my patience.

    Sanchita, I will not comment on your statement, as I will not defend ARVIND, he can defend himself. But I will state this, if you do believe in Rinkus infidelity, take a step ahead in your intuition/ belief and think was it really wrong if it did occur. WOULD YOU LIVE WITH A PIG LIKE AMIT. AND SHARE HIS SHIT. FREAKIN ASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS. IF I HAD A CHANCE I WOULD KICK HIS DEAD BODY OFF THE MORGUE TABLE< FREAKIN DOG.

    You guys caught me on th ewrong day, its been 4 months and this crap does not stop.

    Now my answer to Anonymous questions (RAT)

    XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

    Dear Anonymous

    I find you pulling loopholes in the letter written by Rinkus friend a bit petty, but I will still comment on them, as you seem to be questioning Rinkus integrity in many comments in your blog #134. Thank you for condolences on our plight, but I guess lets get back to your tricky questions/comments:

    You talk about a “Missing Link” from Amit’s side, in the story. My response to that it, whatever may be the missing link to the story, it really does not justify murdering your wife. So honestly, who cares about the missing link, may be you do. He could have infinite reasons for killing his wife, not one of them would justify him murdering her. Not even his hallucination that we would do something as crass as false allegations of dowry could justify his act.

    His idiotic statements on this issue has hit a sour cord with us as we do not come from the background where we would stoop to the level of making any false allegations. We have our morality and self respect intact. I am sure he was lacking those qualities when he callously mentioned in his dying love letter (where he professes his love for her – what a joke) that he “Thought” that we might follow that path of dowry allegation for getting back at him.

    You said “What Could Have Triggered Him To Do This Act”. My response to that is, his desire for committing murder and getting a thrill out of the control he had on her life till her last breath and justifying it as acceptable in his mind based on perceived infidelity and his delusional ideas on us threatening him with dowry, would have triggered him to kill his wife. Now what’s important to think here is what kind of person justifies an act of this sort as being triggered by something. If something can trigger you to murder, then you need help in a big way.

    You also mention “A Guy Like Amit Who Is So Successful In Life’ . I was kind of perplexed with that statement, how would you characterize a guy like him being successful in life, you must be really setting some low standards on that.

    You mention “He Contacted A Counselor”, I think this is based on the Mid Day article where this Raouel guy (who is supposedly Amits Work Buddy) says that he forwarded Amit a contact of a counselor, this article was accompanied with the counselors picture.

    We contacted the actual counselor that Rinku and Amit had been speaking with, and the counselor told us in these words “Amit seemed very controlling and short tempered in his approach towards his marriage issues”. As far as I am concerned if Amit was contacting a different counselor for some reason, one day before the murder, whom we don’t know even exists, what comment could I give you on that scenario.

    On Rinkus Muscat trip, she had gone to talk to her parents about the problems she was facing in her marriage. Divorce was one option that she was still hesitant in taking, though Amit had callously used the Threat for Divorce many times in his fights with Rinku.

    Rinku had mentioned to me that, she had mentioned the following to Amit “Amit when I am ready for a divorce I will ask for it only once and I will mean it, rather than keep on callously using it as a threat the way you do when we have an argument”. She had gone to Muscat to talk to her parents and get clarity on the different ways she had approached to resolve the marital discord and ask them if there was any thing else she could do to resolve her issues.

    Again Divorce was last resort. She had not gone there to discuss Divorce, please clear that from your head. This is what Rinkus friend wrote in the letter :“She had by then told her parents about her marital problems and decided to go for a few days to them to personally let them know that she was planning to work on it as she knew how worried they would be about her”.

    So please do not twist words. Read the letter again, if need be.

    On how many times a husband should call, I guess calling once in 5 days to check on your wife to see if she has reached safely is also enough, but to wait for your wife to call you first cause you have a bloated ego and then after her trying numerous times to get in touch with you, to give her a cold shoulder, that’s different thing.

    Lets say he should have called only once in 5 days, still when he called he could have been civil if she was being the same. Unless obviously his male ego needed her to apologize to him thousand times before he started talking to her properly, which I guess Rinku had got accustomed to doing for a year and a half. And apologize for what, I guess an apology is needed to go and meet your parents for 5 days in Muscat to talk about marital issues.

    Lastly, your comment on Rinku’s Mother accusing Amit of ‘Not Showing Rinku The Apartment He Had Built’. The last time Rinku saw the New Apartment was may be 4 months ago before her death. He had mentioned to her that her she need not go to the new apartment any more as she was too picky on her choice’s of the way the house should be furnished. However he did not have any problem in using the money she was bringing home to furnish the flat. Rinku mentioned to us that he considered it his flat, his car, his life, his job. I guess you can see the pattern. But I guess the fact that it was ‘Their marriage’ was lost somewhere in his self obsessed mind.

    Anyways, I hope I have covered your Loopholes in the letter posted by Rinkus friend. Please do not hesitate in asking me about any more Loopholes. However I would think it would be prudent to look at the larger picture that he killed his wife and justified it with his suicide love letter he left for everyone to read.

    Lastly, no comments on your questions relating to the issue where he raised his hand. That’s for all to judge, your reasoning made no sense to me. So I can’t say much beyond that. For that matter most of the stuff mentioned by you seemed petty to me, but I had to respond.

    Comment by Ankush — April 15, 2008 @ 1:16 am

  28. Sanchita says:

    Ankush

    I would appreciate it if people are just warned about Arvind. I have known many who have fallen prey to his “supposed niceness” and usually picks people with with personal problems. I can only hope that no one else is victim to his tricks. Arvind stop what you are doing.

  29. miss d says:

    Ankush,

    I can understand ur act of defending ur sister in law in various posts and blogs, but can you please stop calling names at each of us who are trying to have a neutral view or siding with Amit? If you say that we don’t have any right to pass comment on Rinku or her life, then you also DONT have any right to call “asses”, “moron” “jerks” etc etc through your posts.

    You don’t need to YELL in your letters. It is quiet clear that like Amit, YOU are hot tempered guy who doesn’t know where to draw limit while defending himself. Did I say anything defaming against Rinku? What I said is that both Rinku and Amit had their share of flaws. I didn’t even support her murder, for any cause.

    REMEMBER, we are third parties and why should we only believe YOUR statement?! If you say that we are wrong in believing only Amit’s statement, then let say one thing Mr. Ankush. We are NEITHER completely believing Amit’s letter, NOR we believe that Rinku had no flaws.

  30. miss d says:

    I am just completing my previous post.

    Ankush, you seem to be reading in between the lines and coming to conclusions which we are not even trying to say. You might feel that I am supporting Rinku’s murder by saying that she had flaws. NO. She might have flaws, but no one has the right to take another person’s life for any reason.

    My statement was also not any judgement on Rinku or Amit because their deeds are to be only judged by God. We are no one to say who is right or wrong.

    Most people are expressing their opinions on this matter and no matter how much you YELL and call “Morons” people will have their opinions. You DEFINITELY should protest if you feel so, but you should remember that calling “morons” or “rats” or “jerks” would not help and would only prove your ill temper.

  31. Ankush says:

    Miss D

    I apologize for my comments. And I guess I cannot expect you to understand because the amount of crap on the net on this issue is unbearable, but again that’s not your problem. However refrain from comparing me with that A_HOLE. And lets not get into conversation about temper. A loss of this kind can make even a sane person loose their cool. May be you have never suffered this kind of loss and so you cant understand, or then may be you have suffered this kind of loss and have become insensitive to things.

    I guess I should just stop reading these blogs if its affecting me that much. Anyways this is the last of my statements, we had an article come out in People magazine talking about Rinku and today I feel my purpose in her death is over. She is smiling from up there and giving us a thumbs up.

    The article is a much more washed down version of what I had posted as my comments to the editor of the article. I had made detailed comments on Rinkus foundation, its purpose, its direction and many other things. But the article turned out to be emotional and picture driven (and it has my profanity – honestly I have tried really hard to refrain from it, but I guess……, its my flaw). However the articles still great. I love the fact that she is holding our son in her hands, she loved him so dearly, but I guess justice is done, she is holding him in her arms and that’s her final goodbye to this world, she is with him always in spirit and nothing else matters. We love her and miss her so dearly, I don’t think I have words to describe our anger (that’s why I have used profanity). If you have read all the other bull posts on her read, this article too. Its at:

    http://sachiniti.wordpress.com/2008/03/25/the-rinku-sachdeva-i-knew/

    Its posted by Kaveetaa on our behalf. Its under Update Aug 4th 2008. Peace and apologies again. I may be hot tempered, but I hope you will realize the larger picture in this, injustice of this kind cannot be tolerated, its sick to see the world come to this, and women be treated like dirt. It’s a shame miss d. How dare he raise his hand, they should have been broken the day they were raised. The values inculcated by that a_holes parents speak of filth, and to think he has a sister and he was capable of doing this to a girl, disgusting….Anyways……….Peace

    Ankush

  32. Miss D says:

    Ankush,

    First of all I must say that I do understand your and your family’s feelings after losing Rinku. It’s true that keeping oneself cool is difficult, but that I feel is the only solution.

    There were people who maligned my character in the society, spoke ill of my family, spread gossips and misunderstood me to such a degree that relationships were strained. Perhaps, it happens to everyone to some extent. I have learned a lesson in my life – I should NOT think too much what others are thinking about me.

    When someone misunderstands me or questions my integrity, then I put forward my point if necessary. But that’s it. It’s up to them whether they believe me or not. As far as I am clear to my conscience, nothing matters. I accept that those who doesn’t know me too well cannot trust me completely and would have doubts. It’s painful for anyone to see people having wrong view about him or her. But nothing can be done and I leave it to God.

    You have done your Best to present facts on Rinku’s behalf. I feel that there is no need to answer every doubt and every question. Those who do not want to believe your statement would never do.

    I wish All The Best for the foundation that you have planned and would pray that Rinku’s parents could cope with their grief.

  33. Miss D says:

    After posting my above comment, I found that it seemed like a gyan given to you. Let me clear that I have NO intention to give advices because you are the one who will take decisions of your life. I am just a person in this society who is giving an opinion which might or might not be useful to you. Whatever I have said is what I do in critical situations in my life.

    Once again, best wishes for your nice venture and for your and your family’s peaceful life ahead.

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